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Post by Shadow on Jun 4, 2006 20:37:38 GMT -5
*tick... tick... tick* Over and over again, it's all I hear. Sometimes I want to shoot the dog-on thing. It's almost like it knows, and is testing me, tormenting me with every second. Knowing that every agonizing sound is another second without my baby. Tossing and turning all night. Looking up at the clock, wishing I could just knock it off the wall so it would shut up! Still thinking about the incident that happened only a few hours ago... I hope he's hurting just as bad as I am. Bet he'll think twice about what he says from now own. Man the cuts burn. Feels like someone's burning my face, but I know there's nothing there. I wish I could call her, if nothing else to tell her I'm ok. I know she's awake, she always is when she knows what's going on. I know she still worries about my secret. She keeps telling me I'm only hurting myself, but I only want her. It's been almost a year now and I still haven't seen her since the first month. God why do I love her so much? We were complete strangers yet still clicked like we'd known each other for years on end. Then going back the second summer... was almost like magic. From a friend, to a roommate, now to the love of my life. How can two people who hadn't even known each other for more than two years be so right for each other? Now it feels as if I couldn't live a day without her. Wish I could go to sleep, yeah... sleep would be good right now. Maybe that will make the soreness go away, at least for a little while. But then again if she were here I wouldn't have to worry about it hurting.
*tick... tick... tick* MAKE IT STOP. I'm going to tune everything out now. Until tomorrow...... good night....
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Post by Brandybuck on Jun 6, 2006 16:33:20 GMT -5
I like it stitch..very emotional and it comes from yoiur heart.
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Post by Shadow on Jun 7, 2006 22:53:02 GMT -5
What? The clock aggravates me! I write more when I can't sleep... I've noticed that. And its' not really writing at all, I just start typing. Glad you like it.
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Post by Shadow on Jun 10, 2006 21:34:53 GMT -5
*sigh* Another day, in turn another night of lonely heartbreak. Seems like all the thunder in the background makes the depression a bit worse. Hopefully all will go as planned, and she'll be in my arms, at least for a few days. Better than nothing. I can see it now... that beautiful smile of hers. Man I miss waking up to that. The time will fit the moment. The fireworks going off in the air, the fireworks going off between us. One year tomorrow. Neither one of us know how we've kept it up as long as we have without seeing each other. I think my mom knows, it's ok though, she didn't seem bothered by it, at the time that is. She told me she'd get me there to visit since I couldn't stay. And that I could go visit on my breaks. Britt didn't seem too thrilled about it, but knows it'll help us out in the long run. Cram four years of college into two, get there as soon as I can, and just make things a whole lot easier. Even still, every night without her seems like another blow my heart can't take. I've definitely had my fair share of them, starting with someone who shall remain nameless. All the crap I've put up with for what I though was love then. Looking back now I see how stupid I was. All that they put me through, all the fussing, fighting, he** one of them tried to drown me. I still remember that one. After is was all done and I went back to the dorms, Britt was the one who was there.... WHY DIDN'T I REALIZE THAT SOONER!!! All I ever wanted was right there in front of me! I let it go for a year without realizing it! That must be why we clicked so easily the first summer. I can't think anymore, and this is long enough. I'm out for the night.
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Post by Brandybuck on Jun 19, 2006 1:53:09 GMT -5
Wow, I can't believe that you guys have been together for a whole year already!
congrats.
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Post by Shadow on Jun 22, 2006 12:48:08 GMT -5
Thanks Brandybuck. It doesn't even seem like it's been a year to me either. Haven't seen her for a year almost, yet she still has my heart wrapped around her finger.....
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Post by Brandybuck on Jun 27, 2006 15:38:08 GMT -5
That is a sign of a lasting relationship for sure. *hugs*
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Post by Shadow on Jun 29, 2006 2:35:40 GMT -5
Too many things keep running through my head. All the things I've heard over the years. Looser, lover, hater, betrayer, cheater, sinner, "just a confused smart child", loner, killer, cold hearted *****, backstabber, cutter, stoner, "silly child with an outlandish fetish", d***, l******, t***********, so many others I could name. What am I? I don't even know anymore. Oh yeah, I'm a little emo kid, wanna see how many cuts I can make before I bleed to death? You know NOTHING about me. At this point, I'm only sure of one.... and even that seems to be slipping away from me and there's nothing I can do about it. I hate this place. Wanna get away but can't find the time. hehe, it's funny you know. Half of C~Town wants me dead, but they can't seem to do it. Great, I'm stuck here forever. I want out, but no one can take it.... no one. Even the guys! What do I do, just lie down? make myself black out? I give up! I'm sick of fighting for the right of life. I don't come to your place, shooting up everything and everyone, be it your friend, boyfriend, whatever. Why come mess with me? Oh yeah, love's her weakness... lets go after her girlfriend. **** YOU!!!! You want me you come for me! They go for the only thing I still care about. The only reason I'm still holding on to life, the only reason I want to live, the only thing that keeps me sane.... my babygirl. She has nothing to do with this. You started it three years ago!!!! I just wish there was a way to get her here with me, at least then I know she'd be safe. Another lonely night, yet there's people all around me.........
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Post by lovemeorhateme on Jun 29, 2006 19:42:36 GMT -5
Wow...that's really deep...I'm sure you have more reasons to live than just your girlfriend though. what about your family? I don't know your situation but I'm sure if you look deep enough inside you you'll find something worth living for, you know, a reason to keep fighting. A life is a horrible thing to waste...
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Post by Shadow on Jun 29, 2006 19:54:34 GMT -5
Welcome to my inner thoughts lovemeorhateme....
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Post by Shadow on Jul 9, 2006 22:13:35 GMT -5
warning ahead of time, my thoughts are a bit whacked up tonightFinally. After waiting about as patiently as I could stand... I got to see her. For three days I had my life back. Nothing could have gone wrong.... Even though all we got for the first few hours was a hug, the kiss was unexplainable. I swear she took my mind somewhere else. Ever had one of those? While all you normal Americans were out watching fireworks, I was in the arms of my love, sitting on a mountain-top, watching about five sets of fireworks going off across the valley. The hardest part was having to say good-bye..... again.... Just a hug and a teary eyed good-bye.... alone again. I'll always love her forever. Even if anything happens between us, she'll still have my heart, mind, soul, ... my everything. Alone in the dark again, waiting for the next time I can hold the only thing I see is perfect.....
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Post by Shadow on Mar 20, 2007 13:36:40 GMT -5
Hold your head up kid.... that won't work this time. When I said that I meant it. Now she's gone and I feel like I have nothing. I don't really know what else to say about it. There's nothing I can do to get her back... I didn't screw up in the first place. There's nothing but an empty hole where my heart used to be.....
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Post by Laurasia on Mar 21, 2007 12:44:54 GMT -5
~hugs tightly~ You just keep remembering that, love. You did nothing wrong. I'm so very sorry that she has hurt you like this. The only good thing about this is that you have found out what she was like before you two were able to make things more concrete/permanent. While it's hard to learn such a thing, it's always better than not knowing. ~hugs~
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Post by Shadow on Mar 21, 2007 14:24:56 GMT -5
We were engaged!! Yet she still did what she did behind my back. That's why I tell her she doesn't care and probably never did. You're right though, I could have gone on blind to everything and only getting that gut feeling like I did with her hanging around Johnny so much. But all that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.... I don't get how the issue that took place happened, while you're in a very serious relationship mind you, and you tell me it's the only comfort you know? B******T I've been here for you the entire time... maybe not physically but... AGH!!! I hate this... I want to scream and cry and beat the **** out of something/someone and laugh it off like it was one long, drawn out joke... ALL AT THE SAME TIME!!!!
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Post by Laurasia on Mar 23, 2007 8:57:00 GMT -5
I know that it hurts sweety. I never meant to imply that it won't or shouldn't. ~hugs~
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