Well, after a few years of recollecting & sifting through the available information I have sorted out quite a few things that I had misinterpreted & added some more detail to my life as Hans. I have made a file of my recollections (though some of it is VERY graphic & I will have to edit some of the content for this particular site) that I will post in this thread. If anyone is interested in the un-edited version just let me know.
~Laurasia's Recollections of Her Life As Hans Bothmann - Camp Commandant of Chelmno Death Camp~ (Listed chronologically as I believe he would have experienced them.)
Hans' Childhood Into AdulthoodI remember that my father died while out of the country. (Had to find employment elsewhere perhaps?) I believe that I was around the ages of 10 - 13 at the time (which would make it 1921-1924, since I was born in 1911). We weren't wealthy to begin with & without my fathers' income my mother didn't know what to do. Begrudgingly, she decided to let me enroll in an academy that actually would provide for her in exchange for my enrollment. (Had to have been an organization simlilar to the Hitler Youth, but was not actually the HJ as Hans was in the HJ for one year in 1932 before graduating into the SS in 1932.)From then on I didn't see much of my mother anymore, especially during my academic years. Mostly just during the holidays. We grew apart to a great degree as I fell into the way of life & teachings of the academy. Needless to say my mother was totally against my joining the SS as she completely opposed the Nazi Party.
*************************************************************************************
Hans' Young Adulthood At A Nazi RallyI was at a large rally where Hitler was speaking. (Nuremberg?) I was older - early 20s. We were dressed in uniform & stood in ranks. The Fuhrer was a forward speaker & a very enthused one as well. We shouted replies to certain parts & threw our arms up in salute. The uniform that I was wearing at this rally was the standard black with the red swastika armband.
*************************************************************************************
Hans' Last Visit To His Mothers' HouseI was 22 & had just graduated into the SS. (1933) I was immensely proud & wanted to go back home & show my mother before I was shipped out.
I proudly showed up on her doorstep with my black SS cap, uniform, & red swastika armband - all perfectly polished & such. When she opened the door I smiled widely & opened my arms to embrace her. At first she simply stared in shock at this SS officer on her doorstep. Recognition quickly took over though & her face hardened. She started screaming at me angrily about being a "filthy Nazi" & such. Startled, & worried that someone may hear her anti-Nazi rhetoric, I tried to ease her into the house so that we could argue in private.
This enraged her even more. She shoved me back screaming that she would never let a "Nazi pig" into her home & that I was no longer her son. Still wanting to try once more, & still concerned about her being heard, I tried again - begging her to let me in so we could speak before I was deployed. She cried out angrily, slapped me across the face & spit on my uniform telling me that I was dead to her. That I was no longer her son. That the filthy Nazis had destroyed her son & made him a monster that would never be welcome.
I stiffened. My blood boiled for a moment, but then turned ice cold as she cursed & denounced myself & the Party. I said nothing, I simply watched her.
Finally she shoved me one last time saying to never come back again. I straightened my jacket & cap then told her flatly to never show up in one of my camps. I then gave the salute & turned to leave without looking back. The only thing that I heard was the door being slammed.
*************************************************************************************
Hans' Camp Training(I believe that this may have taken place at Dachau, since I was training.)
It was late at night. 3 or 4 other guards & myself were in a building playing a noisy game of cards. We were laughing & jokingly accusing one another of cheating. I am drawn to one guy in particular & seem to be very good friends with him. I never heard his name, so I will describe him...He was shorter & thicker than me, but was in no way fat. His dark hair was buzzed short & he had darker eyes - though he was clearly German. Bavarian perhaps.
We heard a loud commotion just outside of the door & found one of the female prisoners. She had been trying to sneak some water from a large barrel that was by the door & had knocked it over into the dirt by mistake. Though it was dark outside I could see to a degree, especially with the light from the doorway.
There was a large open space, like a field - though we were still inside of the camp - before us. (Perhaps where we did the rollcalls.) Slightly in the distance (to the front & left of us) were rows & rows of light-colored buildings - the prisoners' barracks.
When we saw what she had done we started yelling. My darker friend went into a rage, ran over to where she was kneeling
Edited for content ~ Laurasia We were all laughing & shouting at her.
Edited for content ~ Laurasia All the while telling her to "Inform all of your little friends that you have turned all of their drinking water for the next day into mud". He then threw her back to the ground towards the barracks. She ran back to them while we laughed & hollared. True to his word, the following day the prisoners from those barracks received no water.
*************************************************************************************
Mental Hospital(This recollection is very confusing & disjointed.)
I was at a mental hospital that was run by a woman. The men that were training there, I believe, were called SS-D (I may have heard this wrong though). They did not have any pipets on their lapels - so I assume that they were privates, cadets, doctors, or something similar.
It flashed to a scene in which the mental patients were doing some exercises of some sort around a swimming pool in front of all of us. One of the male patients was extremely nervous & agitated because the head woman was not there yet.
*************************************************************************************
Remorseful Recollection(Probably from my earlier time with the Eisatzgruppen units.)
I was in some sort of lounge or hall with the rest of my unit. We were all drinking. Some were eating & most were partying with the plentiful female dancers that were there.
I recall just sitting there drinking & watching the men around me in wonder. That day had been bad. The woman, the children...unarmed, passive. What threat had they been again? They could have been put to work somewhere, I was sure.
All they did was cry. Some plead in their own tongues. I couldn't understand the words, but I still understood the meaning. None of that mattered though, we had been told quite plainly what had to be done. Even if we ourselves couldn't totally understand it. I had also been very aware of my commanders taking a strong interest in me. Now is not the time to waver. It's just too easy to get left behind. Either stuck for God-knows-how-long at some sh** post or in the middle of a body pit. They have their ways of persuasion. They tell us that it is them against Germany - which we all know & understand on a wider scale. But out here it is different...it's not Jew or Germany. It's Jew or you. That's the reality that we Germans not in the pleasant nest of Berlin live with. The Jew or you.
I've worked too hard to die for anyone, especially a Jew or Ivan (this is the term that Hans refers to Russians with). It wouldn't make a difference anyway, someone else would just step up & take your place - we all know that. So you steel yourself for what needs to be done & do it.
Perhaps it will get easier after some time. Perhaps the feeling of "me or you" will be replaced with "Germany or you". I don't know, I just hope. I don't know how they can eat & party. I just want a bottle & a dark, quiet corner for now. The next order will come soon enough I'm sure. They can keep their women, just keep sending the booze.
*************************************************************************************
Gas Vans(Probably from during my time with the Einsatzgruppe units.)
Edited for content ~ Laurasia*************************************************************************************
Camp Reverie(Guided regression)
I started off by using a "movie theater technique". The film I was going to see was "Hans Bothmann" & was the only thing showing at the theater. Hans himself sold me the ticket with a welcoming smile.
I sat in the center of the theater - since I was the only person there. I settled into my seat & then the lights lowered. The reel started & Hans' name filled the screen.
The "film" started with a shot of polished black boots walking on a gravel pathway. Eventually there are some bodies strewn across the pathway which the walker (me/Hans) had to step over & veer through.
I look up & see that I'm on a straight path through the camp with forest ahead of me, in the distance. There is a line of barbed wire fencing running adjacently to the right of the path. A little ways ahead the path branches to the left, where I am heading. (The path also continues straight towards the forest.) I spot a crew of Jews hauling bodies away from a small building in wheelbarrows on the left-handed path. I yell over demanding to know why in the he** these were just left lying in the road. They immediately dumped the bodies from the wheelbarrows & start running over to gather the dead from where I am at. I yell for them to leave the wheelbarrows - that they can now carry them over there with their hands. They hesitate for about a half of a second & then do as I have ordered.
As one of the men runs closer he spots a bost slightly ahead & to the right of myself. He runs faster, falls to his knees & pulls the body up to his chest wailing "my son". As I come up even with him I tell him to get back to work & remove the corpse. He continues to wail & I tell him not to worry - that he'll be joining him soon enough. I walk a few more paces & turn to see him still sitting there clutching the corpse.
Edited for content ~ LaurasiaThe other workers immediately gather the two & carry them off. Satisfied, I continued on my way. (I was in a rush because someone of importance was visiting the camp that day & I was on my way to see them.)
*************************************************************************************
Anna's Visit(Bit of a difficult guided regression)
I placed myself within a restaurant. Once I was relaxed I walked outside & across the street. There was a restaurant/club within an older-looking stone building. I walked in & was led by a host down a hall lined with small, carved, dark wood pillars. At the end it opened inot the main area. Directly in front was a large circular dance floor. There were 3 or 4 couples dancing there. Surrounding the dance floor were many round tables, most occupied by groups of men in various Nazi uniforms of different ranks. Many of them were watching the dancers as they smoked.
I was unable to move this one along at all, so I tried focusing on relaxing with my fellow guards in one of the camps. I was taken back to the night of the card game from my previous recollection. Since I realized this I stopped & refocused.
Suddenly it was daytime& we were on a large yard-like section of a camp. Clearly this was very much seperated from the prisoner's areas, but we could see a group of the men working at a dig of sorts in the distance. There was a large canopy tent over rows of tables where many other officers & other paople were drinking ,eating, talking, etc. This was a party of some sort. All of us men were in uniform. Myself & some of the other men were playing croquette on the lawn. I had just taken my turn & had started scanning the tables under the canopy. At the 4th one back, on the right side, I saw Anna. She was so beautiful & speaking with another woman who had long dark hair. Anna was wearing a white summer dress, slightly off the shoulder, with red trim & a small red pattern to it. (I later realized that it was tiny red flowers.) She sees me looking & smiles demurely, but still so sexy.
Another of the officers, older than me, catches us looking at each other & leans over to me to comment about how beautiful she is. I agree. The man is older, perhaps in his 50s, though still is in good shape. His uniform is brown & he is rather skinny. He asks when I am finally going to marry her & I say as soon as I can get out of the hellhole. He laughs & says that fortunately the program is almost finished. That perhaps I will be re-assigned to another camp back west near Berlin again afterwards. I agree that is what I'm hoping for. I excuse myself & go over to Anna & other other woman. They giggle a bit as I approach. I ask Anna to come with me & offer my hand.
She lets me lead her to the grounds where I hold her to myself & dance to a slow song that is playing over the speakers. She is so much smaller that her arms have to be around my waist. I keep my hands on her upper arms so I can gaze into her gorgeous blue eyes. I take her oversized hat off of her head & let her beautiful waves of blonde hair spring softly over her shoulder. I gently caress one of her soft cashmere locks in my hand before lowering my lips to hers & kissing her softly, but passionately. The guests will have to be leaving soon. The slow song goes off & is replaced by a speedier song. Our lips still touching, I gather her small body to my own lifting her off of the ground & spinning her momentarily. She breaks our kiss to let out a happy laugh & a beaming smile. I set her down & we return to the canopied area. They serve our lunch of chicken, salsbury steaks, & other dishes. We all talk & laugh loudly while eating together.
The recollection shifts to later on & I'm with Anna at the train station. She now has a black suitcase with her, so she apparently has been in town for at least a few days. We're hugging & kissing before she boards the train to head back to Berlin.
There is no audio with this part of the recollection. I view it as though I were an observer instead of from my own point of view as earlier. The recollection ends with her boarding the train & waving through the window blowing kisses goodbye.
*************************************************************************************
Liquidation of A Camp(This was a VERY upsetting spontaneous recollection for me, as I was on my daily walk down the street & was having a lot of trouble staying "in the present". I was afraid of getting hit by a car & was nearly vomiting along side the road from being so upset.)
It started with myself & a bunch of other Nazis entering a city. There were girls & women everywhere & they were all celebrating our arrival & trying to get to us. They were just so happy for us to be there & for the job that we were doing for them & for the Reich. (I can't be sure, but I assume that this may have had something to do with the Anschluss of Austria.)
Suddenly the scene switched to one that was very disturbing. We had to run! The Russians were coming & we had to liquidate the camp & flee or they would kill us. (I had originally thought that I was not the Commandant of this camp, but I have since realized that there was simply someone of a higher rank than me at the camp at this particular time.) I looked around at all of the prisoners that were left that we would have to kill ASAP & thought of how long it would take. I wanted to run! Jews be damned, I wanted to see Anna before I died! I argued with the higher ranking man that we should just leave to get a chance & he said no. He started arguing about how the world hated us now because of what we had done - that we needed to get rid of as much evidence as possible. My thoughts filled with Anna & how she probably hated me after hearing of what we had been doing. I had to get to her - to make her understand. My stomach turned at the thought of the disgust that she would feel when she saw me.
Suddenly the higher ranking man was screaming for us to get started killing the prisoners. I told him that I couldn't because Anna hated me enough already. He screamed at me that I shouldn't worry about what Anna thinks because if the Reds caught us I would never see her again - which was most likely going to happen anyway. Besides, if I refused & tried to leave the camp prematurely he would simply shoot me in the head anyway. I broke into tears momentarily. Those were the hardest killings for me. Eventually I numbed & my thoughts started turning towards ways to speed up the killing process.
*************************************************************************************
Hans' Death(This recollection occured spontaneously while I was listening to music - the easiest way for me to meditate. By the end of it my girfriend had to pull me out of the recollection because I was choking & nearly vomiting.)
I am being held in a building against my will, but it is not a prison in the sense that there are bars - simply rooms, locked doors, & guards. Everyday I am taken to a small, dimly lit room with 2 British men. One is dark-haired with a white shirt & the other has dirty-blonde hair & a tan or beige shirt. The dark-haired one is the agressor/interrogator.
I have been here for at least a few days. I know that they know that I'm a Nazi & I try to tell them very little. I know that we have lost though & I haven't heard from Anna - whom I left in Berlin with family. I finally tell them my name one day, figuring that since we had destroyed Chelmno I would be safe, & asked them to find out about my fiancee Anna. I told them that I would talk more if they brought me news of her.
Up until this point they had been trying to intimidate or shock me into speaking by informing me of "the horrors" being discovered in the liberated camps. I stayed numb & it wasn't working. I knew all too well what happened in the camps.
When I made my demand of hearing about Anna they became angry & sent me back to my room with the guard. All that I could think of was how Anna's faith, love, & pride in me had helped me to endure so many years of he** & how it would do the same now.
The recollection shifted to sometime later & I was once again returned to the interrogation room with the same 2 men. They looked very smug. They began questioning me & I remained quiet. This continued until I again stated that I wouldn't speak until hearing about Anna. This was what they had been waiting for.
The dark one smiled evilly saying, "You may as well talk...Ivan took care of your girlfriend." Then they laughed. My blood ran cold & then I felt as though I were on fire. I said that I didn't believe them & they pulled out pictures of Berlin rubble & dead civilians - focusing my attention towards the women especially.
Edited for content ~ Laurasia"So are any of these Anna?" they asked mockingly. "Anyway, Ivan made sure to
Edited for content ~ Laurasia & then kill every Nazi sow when they took Berlin. So if she was there I'm sure that we'll have a photo for you soon enough." I screamed. My brain felt as though it had turned to stone & was expanding in my skull. My stomach twisted & wretched. My heart, lungs, & all other muscles seized up to nearly bursting. The numbness left me & was replaced with rage & anguish. I just screamed & screamed until I threw up. I choked as I vomited & then continued sobbing violently.
They ordered me taken back to my room, but the guards had to virtually carry me as I just let myself be drug & sobbed. I was locked in my room which had a bed, a chair, & a table. My Anna was gone. Our baby was gone. I sobbed for a while on my bed. My room had open wooden beams at the ceiling so I climbed up there using the chair & table. I had removed my belt & made a wide open circle with it which I put around my neck. I tightened up the slack & tied the end around a beam. I then stepped off of the desk.
Edited for content ~ Laurasia I could feel my energy & consciousness fading fast, so I tried to simply think of Anna. Then everything went black.